Introducing Programmatic Skywriting

I apologize for our recent radio silence. It was due in part to our focus on securing $15 million in Series B funding. But there was another reason, which I’ll reveal with a sneak peek at the press release that’s going out tomorrow.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Viewability Is Never an Issue with Programmatic Skywriting
Featuring BlueSky’s Proprietary Drone Technology

NEW YORK — April 2, 2017 — PebblePost®, the inventor of Programmatic Direct Mail®, is pleased to announce the launch of an ancillary venture, BlueSky, which will debut a revolutionary new marketing channel called Programmatic Skywriting. 

“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” said PebblePost founder and Chief Stamp Licker, Lewis Gersh, who adds another line to his job description: Air Traffic Controller.

Manna from Heaven
“BlueSky’s programmatic drone technology enables us to pinpoint customers for a unique marketing encounter,” Gersh said. “Best of all, it doesn’t disrupt the user experience because the sky itself is our platform.”

BlueSky retargets your most discerning customers with an escalating series of seductive messages from above.

Day One
It starts with Drone Drop, which utilizes proprietary geo-targeting software to sync device ID with latitude and longitude coordinates. BlueSky tracks your prospective customers down, no matter where they are, and buzzes them with a drone that drops a plastic egg containing a “key” and a unique promo code for an item selected from their recent search history.

Day Two
BlueSky ups the ante with a banner ad — the old-fashioned kind, towed by a vintage biplane. The message? “Hey, <<customer name>>! Don’t forget that <<product name>>!” Our pilots are instructed to follow the customer everywhere for a minimum of eight fly-bys in the course of the day.

Day Three
If your finicky customer still hasn’t taken the bait, BlueSky’s team of talented skywriters will execute a detailed drawing of the targeted purchase, accompanied by a simple message: “You know you want it, <<customer name>>!”

Our market research shows that programmatic skywriting results in an astounding 88% response rate by this point. But if your customer is among that hard-core 12% that hold out, we’ve got one final option…

“Resistance Is Futile”
That’s the cryptic skywritten message that greets your prospective customer as they step out the door on the morning of Day 4. We then literally blow that message away by executing a full-scale Blue Angels-style flyover. …

The Payoff
OK, OK, OK. By now you’ve probably figured out that this “press release” is an April Fools’ prank. What’s disturbing about it is that I could probably fund this fictitious company. Because when it comes to tone-deaf retargeters, the sky really is the limit.